i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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