Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
