I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
