The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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