Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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