I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
