My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
