im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
