and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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