mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
