girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
