Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
