Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
