Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
