I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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