Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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