If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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