Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
