Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
