my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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