and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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