I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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