The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
