the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize