she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
