I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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