I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
