You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
