someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
