bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
