what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
