I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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