Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
