my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
