Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
