Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
