He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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