The best revenge is premature balding
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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