So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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