I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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