dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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