If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I met the friendliest cop last night
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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