my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
