I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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