Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
