It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize