Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
