That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize