dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
