i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
