Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
