I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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