dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
