i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
