I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
